[ToniB]

I have a problem that I am struggling with. I lived in Europe for several years with my mother who lives there. My father lives in the U.S. Toward the end of my stay in Europe I fell in love (at least I thought I did) with a man and dated him steadily for eight months and it got serious. He even asked me to marry him and I sort of said, ?yes?. Then he had to move to another country (Germany) for new work because the family business he was in declined. I moved back to the U.S. but told him I would move to Germany, move in with him, and eventually marry him. I know this man loves me and he calls me all the time. I have strong feelings for him and don?t want to hurt him. My mother met him on several occasions in Europe and likes him as a person but doesn?t think he is right for me, doesn?t think I should marry him, and doesn?t think I should move to a new country and move in with him.

Recently, while in the U.S., out of nowhere one night I met this other man. We met unexpectedly and he didn?t see interested in me at all. However, I was immediately drawn to him in so many ways that I can?t even describe it. I have never felt so drawn to someone in my life. Eventually that night we started talking (not flirting) and I was even more drawn to him on so many different levels. He is incredibly intelligent, friendly, kind, generous, well-traveled, strong, handsome, and is sexy. He is also older than I am. I?m now in my mid-late-20?s and he is just over 40. Later that night, when the opportunity presented itself, I don?t even know what happened, but I couldn?t control how attracted I was to him and I initiated being intimate with him. I even did things with him that I?ve never really done before and felt so close to him. He was apprehensive at first, but I just had to get closer to him because I knew if I didn?t that night, then that would be the last time I would see him.

Anyway, he called me after that and has pursued me but has done so very cautiously because he is at the end of an relationship with someone else and I found out from his friends that he has been hurt before so he is very suspicious of women?s intentions (he has a lot going for him and happens to be wealthy, but this is not what attracted me to him at all). We had a great conversation, as always, and later he took me out. Then he took me out again and treated me like a princess. He is very giving, loving, passionate, romantic, and a perfect gentlemen, despite the fact that he has a very hard side to him based on his past. We were intimate again but I have withdrawn at the end of each date and sort of done things to turn him away because of my guilt in cheating on my European boyfriend. This has turned him off and I know it is childish and immature of me but I am confused as to what to do. I have sort of been sending mixed signals to him because sometimes I don?t return his phone call or act coldly toward him but this is because I am so confused. I know this new man has deep feelings for me and loves me (and I think I love him) and would be with only me and make a commitment to me if I were able to commit to him. I want to be with him and wish I didn?t have a boyfriend and wish I had never committed to going to Germany.

Here?s the problem: I don?t know which man to choose. I have feelings for the first one who is now in Germany, and I *thought* I loved him, but now I don?t know and it?s such a huge step for me to move to Germany and possibly get married to him and everyone else in my family is encouraging me not to do it. I don?t want to hurt him, but when I look in my heart, I know I have even stronger (but different) feelings for my new man and I know he wants to be with me and he?s perfect for me on so many levels. I can?t stop thinking about him and I?m worried that if I don?t call him and apologize and tell him how I really feel about him, and cancel my plans to go to the first boyfriend in Germany, that I may lose this new man forever and I really think he may be my soulmate.

Please give me serious and thoughtful advice because I can?t think straight and sort through all these feelings and I know this forum can be perfect for helping me finalize my decision on what to do and whom to choose. Thanks.

[BarbieG]

men are born with ONE penis. women are born with ONE vagina. they fit together. unless you have 2 vaginas for both men?

[Rose9561]

You need to follow your heart and realize that one will ultimately be hurt.The thing is to be honest with yourself about what you truly want.If you want the second man then you must tell the first and if you want the first you must tell the second and the sooner the better so either can move on with their own lives.You will be relieved once you make up your mind...

[funketybucket]

u answered your own question "I have feelings for the first one who is now in Germany, and I *thought* I loved him, but now I don?t know" and "when I look in my heart, I know I have even stronger (but different) feelings for my new man" If you truly loved dude A then you would have never noticed the other guy. take things slow with the old guy cause he may just be looking for a good time if he's getting out of a relationship and is cautious of women.

[JillP]

You will surely lose the new guy very quickly that you obviously have true love with if you do not act immediately and stop with struggling with your nonsense. Dump the first guy immediately for his own sake, for your sake, and to have a chance with the new guy or you?ll hate yourself forever. What you feel for the first man is friendship and you have a bit of a history with him in having known him and having HAD amorous feelings for him (in the past now) and you don?t want to admit that it is done and those feelings are no longer pure (and can never be since you were intimate with the new guy) and those feelings for the first guy are no longer the same as they were before and can never be the same again. You will never be able to escape the fact that you will know in your heart that this new guy was more to you than the first guy was and you will miss your chance to keep this new guy and blow the whole deal with him and wind up being miserable with the first guy if you go back to him. This will only hurt him (and you) more. Act now! Go to the new guy, look into his eyes, and tell him you love him. It is clear that this is what is in your heart and your continuing to deny it will tear you and everyone else apart and will ruin your life!

[MoeshaW]

you crazy girl . . . the second guy that you just met sounds like a dream and i'd jump on him right away before I or any other woman gets the chance to. we won't make the mistake you're making because a man like that is almost impossible to find. and he's wealthy too? you #*&! craaazee! if he's making himself available to you and has feelings for you then you need to dump the guy in germany like yesterday. it's done with him anyway and you should know that because otherwise you never would have slept with the second guy. let me get a chance at that second guy and you will be yesterday's news and crying your eyes out knowing what you should have done.

[veronikapetrov]

It is not possible to be in love with two people at the same time. If you truly love one person, it is not possible to have any of the same feelings for the second person who may come into your life, otherwise the feelings for the first person were not from true love to begin with. They were probably just filling a void in your life at the time while you were waiting for the second person to come along (but didn?t know it). Don?t split your feelings and cheat yourself, the first guy, and certainly not the new guy whom there is no question you could truly love and probably already do truly love on some level. The proof that you truly love him is that you in fact do have these feelings for him even despite having some type of crazy commitment to the first guy. Also, it is clear that it definitely is not true love with the first guy because otherwise, you never would have slept with the new guy at all and also because it never would have even been possible to have feelings for the new guy at all if you truly loved the first guy. So again, it seems obvious from what you have done in sleeping with the new guy, and in having feelings and affection for him, that you could not possibly be in true love with the first guy. Because of this, you definitely should not move to a new country for the first guy, and you most certainly should forget about marrying the first guy. If you move to that new country for him, you will be doing him a great disservice and to yourself as well. You already have all the proof you need that you do not truly love him and that he is not the one for you. It is very obvious based on the fact that you had sex with the new guy that he must mean more to you than the first guy, but you are struggling with remorse for having to tell the first guy. You should just tell the first guy it is off and break it off clean. Don?t be a complete fool and move to Europe then move in with him then marry him. You?ll spend the rest of your life wondering if you made the biggest mistake ever in not following your heart and your potential soulmate in the new guy. There is simply no way you could have had sex with the new guy and still TRULY LOVE the first guy, so just stop struggling and break it off with the first guy and run to the new guy before it?s too late! You are just tormenting yourself and causing everyone pain. You are also lying to yourself, lying to the first guy, and probably making the feelings the new guy has for you diminish. At some point he won?t like you because of this and you will have ruined everything for yourself. By the way, the new guy sounds fantastic to me, hunny, so if you aren?t interested, throw him my way ?).

You are crazy if you don?t give 100% of yourself to this new guy. All the signs are that he is your soulmate.

Be smart girl! This one was easy.

[CassandraO]

when you find that certain person, you won't want anyone else. your hearts will become one with that person, and the feeling will be unmistakable. you could never have any feelings at all for the new man if you really loved the man in germany. that should tell you it obviously is not love. it?s friendship and maybe something more, but not love. there?s no way any intelligent person who cares about their life moves to another country to be with some man they just cheated on. you obviously love the new man more but probably are trying to destroy that due to your guilt with the first man. you shouldn?t feel any guilt though because you just did what was true to your heart in sleeping with the new man. however, that tells you for sure the first man is not for you so don?t do some ridiculous move like that out of some insane promise you made that should never be followed through on when you?ve got this new man available to you now and there?s about a hundred reasons why the first man needs to be told, let go, and you need to move forward with the new man. the least you should do is delay your moving for 6 months and let the relationship with the new man take its natural course. right now you are tainting that relationship and causing un-normal things to happen and creating negativity between you. that?s not right. i bet it works out beautifully with the new man if you give it an honest chance and you?ll be happy forever. with the first man, you?ve got no chance and that has already been proven as the others have said and if you ignore that then quite frankly you?re stupid. not only are you stupid but you are lying to yourself about your true feelings for the new man (and the tainted feelings which are not pure for the first man) and causing yourself pain for no reason. choose the new man. again, as someone else said, this one is pretty easy to figure out.

[clubbersans]

the guy in europe is not right for you.
if you were could truly be happy with him, you wouldn?t have any thoughts or affection at all for the second guy to begin with. I mean, honey, you even slept with him so you don?t just have mere feelings for the second guy.
get rid of the guy in europe.

what you think is love with the first guy is not truly love and you are lying to yourself for some reason about this, probably out of guilt because he?s someone you are friends with and wanted to love him in the past but your love for him is just not strong enough. the proof is that you slept with the second guy. the second guy is the winner and you clearly love him more but are probably pushing him away which is unwise and you may lose him completely unless you act now and get him back and give him 100% of you.

you cannot even desire two people at the same time and still say that you ?love? one of them. it?s simply is not possible to be in true love with two people at the same time. Love doesn?t work that way. if you love someone, NOBODY else matters...because your true love is all that matters and you could never have eyes for anybody else. the first guy in europe is done and you?re cheating your soul if you pretend otherwise and go forward with some charade to move to europe to be with him. whether you want to come to grips with that and do what?s right and dump him, is the difference between you being smart and dumb. don?t ruin things with the second guy. they are not equal. you never cheated on the second guy.

as far as moving to another country to be with some guy who can?t even move or visit with you but somehow claims to love you, you already should know that would be a catastrophe for you. why would you even consider moving like that when you?ve got proof positive that he?s not the one for you? honey, you?re really messed up in the head if you move knowing all this. if you do, karma will bite you in the butt and you?ll be left with nothing your entire life.

why settle for the first guy in europe when you can have the man that your soul truly wants and whom you?ve recently slept with? he?s the winner hands down.

[nycegryl]

Guys who are in their 40's are the best all the way around, and are mature and ready for commitment. Statistically, you have very little chance with the dude in Europe because your age difference is not enough. You need at least a guy 15 years older to have a statistical chance. Otherwise, anything less years in difference than this and almost all the time you are just wasting your time and wasting your life, as well as your prime years, which you can never get back and then you?ll only be able to attract beat up losers later on when your looks fade. See this link below for one of my other answers which should spell it out for you:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081010120313AAWkRKY

Also statistically, you have a very high chance with the new dude you have been with recently because a 15 year age difference is really what women should look for if they want something real with a guy for long term. You are old enough now (?mid-20?) where you need to be looking at a real relationship. Unfortunately, women go down hill fast and you?re past your prime and peaked years ago. You?re probably putting on weight now and all that other bad stuff. You won?t have any chance ever again to be with and attract the type of dude like this new dude. You can always attract that first dude. Anyway his actions don?t say that he loves you so don?t even consider moving. Dump him and take the new dude while you can.

See this link below or cut and paste it into your browser for more info on the statistical stuff (scroll down on that page to my tag ?nycegryl?:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081010120313AAWkRKY