[MattJ0840]

This is very simple:
Love is a biological process we have to make it harder to leave our mate, thus giving the children we either expect to have, or already have, a better chance for survival because both parents will be around. It serves no other purpose and is an emotion that evolved only for this reason. Too many people overcomplicate love. Like ?fear?, ?love? is a survival emotion, but whereas fear evolved to help us run when we felt the dinosaurs footsteps pounding on the ground, love?s purpose in survival is to keep the man and woman around together long-term to ensure their children grow up healthy and have a chance for survival, thus keeping the ?love? gene in the gene pool.

You had sex with the new chap so you?ve already shown the fellow in Germany is not for you.

Do not mistake love with simple familiarity with another person and an unwillingness to have them depart from your life.

As a gentleman in his 30?s myself, I can tell you that the other commentator is correct. Males in their 30?s are not long-term relationship material for any woman and you will just be used until he finds someone else and upgrades his life, position, and then you. It?s sad, but true, and this is how males are.

[KellyM]

You really need to look at the actions of these men and ignore everything else and that will make your decision for you.

What kind of European guy knows a girl for only 8 months, proposes to her, then moves to another country away from her, then lets his so-called beloved wife-to-be move to yet another different country, but somehow wants her to move to him and marry him? That?s not a guy who loves you. That?s a guy who doesn?t know what he wants and who doesn?t make you his #1 priority above all other things in life. Don?t listen to what he says when he calls you?only pay attention to what he does and that?s all. The facts are that 8 months is not even close to enough time to move in with somebody when you are struggling with these things, let alone move to a different country, where you will be completely isolated from all your friends, family, and support system and have to depend on this first guy for living and everything else. No man that truly loved you would ask this of you if he put your first above all else. It?s wrong. Instead, he would have been with you all along and never moved to a new country. That shows love. If he fails to do this, he's not ready for marriage or commitment either and he doesn?t truly love you and it will never work out. He doesn?t love you, he misses you; there?s a difference and you need to recognize that. Where is he now? Not with you. That says everything. Yet he claims to love you? How can his job be more important than you? Is that the kind of love and life that you want? If you deny those facts, you are deceiving yourself from the truth. Look at what the first guy has failed to do. Look at what the second guy has actually done. Don?t pay attention to what either one says, just what they have actually done. I can?t get around how the first guy claims to love you and wants you to give all this to him (moving to a foreign country for HIM, moving in with HIM, marrying HIM), yet he can?t even move to be with you and his job is more important than you? You would be stupid to think that is love. It?s a silly boy who doesn?t know what he wants and you are being deceived. If he loved you for real he simply could not be away from you. Come on, what he?s saying in actions (not words) is that he wants you to make all these huge, monumental sacrifices, give all of yourself to him, and the truth is he has definitively shown that he is not willing to make even the most fundamental sacrifice for you in just moving to be with you. If he hasn?t even visited you, then you should run the heck away from him at this point because that tells me that you are being worked. You sound smart, so be smart! You got lots of stuff based in facts and actions that tell you what to do and that is to ditch the first guy who doesn?t even care enough to prioritize you, move to you, and instead wants you to make all these huge sacrifices to change your life. And the second guy definitely is someone you should let into your life and see where it goes.

One more thing, I totally agree with the stuff about if you loved the first guy, you would only have eyes for him and never would have even been able to have any feelings (or this confusion) about the second guy, let alone to actually sleep with him. That too should tell you everything you need to know about whether you should end it with the first guy. Don?t go for him just because you made some type of promise before. Things change, and the truth is that you are very foolish to move to Germany for a guy that clearly is not willing to do the same for you and my guess is he hasn?t even visited you. If he calls you all the time then that also means that you are being worked because he is giving you only words, not actions and it is only actions that count. If the second guy has shown you actions and showed he cares about you, how foolish you would be to turn that away. It?s obvious that the second guy is far better for you. Remember, you didn?t cheat on the second guy so it could be true love. You did cheat on the first so it can?t be true love so why uphold some ridiculous commitment to move to a foreign country completely out of your element and make that huge sacrifice for him when you know already he is not willing to do the same (and hasn?t) and that the relationship with the first guy is doomed because you already know your love for him is not true as proven by the fact that you have these feelings for the second guy (and even slept with him). You cheated on the first guy, not the second guy, and you have every chance with guy #2 but you?ve got to stop being confused and at least let your relationship with guy #2 take it?s natural course before you kill a great deal. You will surely lose with guy #1 and that has been proven already. Guy #2 sounds like a rare diamond and you?ll regret not giving that relationship the fair chance it deserves. It certainly does not deserve to be killed because of some foolish commitment to an overseas guy who has fa

[MissyD]

I take a different perspective that the rest of you. I have been in almost the same situation as Toni B and I will tell you that I ignored all common sense like what everyone else is saying here, and moved to a different country to be with a man I thought I loved. It started out ok for a couple of months, but then I became bored with having been isolated in a new country without my friends and family, bored with being home every day, bored with cooking him meals, bored with the fact that he never had any real money for us to do fun things, bored with the new country, and ultimately bored with him. In addition, his attitude changed after a couple of months and I realized that he wasn?t the same person I thought I loved. I keep say that I ?thought? I loved him because I was so convinced of this before I left, but I can see clearly now that this was just me kidding myself and pretending everything would be ok if I just changed everything in my life and because I thought he loved me so much I thought this would be enough. It wasn?t. And it never is. After just a few months I realized it was a huge disaster and a big mistake it was to move in with him. Because I had already committed to this and was there, I stuck it out. It took me 2 years to finally get the courage to break free and stop lying to myself?2 years of my life, in my prime, that I would do anything to get back. I left him one day and came back to the U.S. I had hoped to rekindle everything with the guy in the U.S. I had met just before leaving, and did everything I could to track him down. After weeks of tracking him down, I finally found him. He now had a brand new woman (who was younger and prettier than me), and she was pregnant and they were holding hands walking down the street. I was devastated. I couldn?t even muster the courage to say hello to him because I was ashamed of what I had done to us both, and because I knew I had hurt him deeply and he probably hated me for it. I would probably hate me too if I were in his shoes because we each knew we had that rare chemistry and would have committed to each other, but I was a reckless fool that thought I would live forever and he would still be waiting for me when I got back. I was dead wrong. So when I saw him walking toward me with his new wife, I ducked into a store and hid only to watch them walk on by and I welled up and started to tear immediately like my real life?the one I was supposed to have--had ended 2 years ago and I just realized it right then and there and was no forever lost and getting old and would have to settle for something far less.

This was the biggest mistake of my life and I so wish I could go back and do it again because I would have been the woman whom this man was gazing into my eyes so lovingly and it would have been our baby. That was 8 years ago and I don?t think I?ll ever recover, even though I?ve dated many men since then and tried to forget. At the end of the day, I know this guy that I blew off back then was the one for me as he was the total package. The most painful part is that I blew him off for some stupid trip and stupid fantasy about another guy in another country that in the end turned out to be the worst 2 years of my life, completely wasted and when I was in my prime.

Don?t make the same mistake I made.

The easiest way to figure this out is to ignore love for a moment, ignore sex, ignore looks, and look at the stuff that is long-term and compare both men side by side. Answer these simple questions?

1. Which man will provide you a better, more secure life in terms of making you feel protected, safe, and enough money to allow you to do the fun and exciting things in life? If one of them has a lot more money than the other, then 99% of the time, go with the rich man if you are considering both because he will not leave you and will have no need to upgrade to someone other than you as he already has what he wants in success and wealth, and so he knows himself and what he wants in a woman (because he can have almost anyone right now).

2. Which man will provide you the healthiest children because of his genetics? (Consider how intelligent he is first and foremost as there is no substitute for this one; consider his physical appearance next: has he lost some of his hair or might go bald? Is he strong, tall, muscular, etc.?) The man that can provide you the healthiest, smartest children, will make your life rich as you will be their mother and you will have that special bond with him through them, and know that you made something beautiful. If you?re not sure about one man?s chances because he hasn?t really proven anything in his life in terms of personal success, education, intelligence, wealth, etc., then this question too only points to one man.

3. Which man would most other women chose? This one is simple.

If you have an immediate reflex answer of one man to one of the above 3 questions, then you have a definitive winner and you sh